Storytime with Merlin
by Bec Le
Summary: Merlin tells Arthur a bedtime story. Chapter 1 is full of Arthur's helpful interruptions and additions, Chapter 2 is just the story itself. This is purely a joke of course, although I wouldn't mind this happening in the actual show...
1. Storytime with Merlin With Help

Once upon a time, there was a clotpole...

**"MER-linnn..."**

**"Yes, sire?"**

**"Start the story properly, already."**

**"Yes, sire."**

**Arthur twisted a little in bed so that he wasn't facedown in his pillows but instead was leaning sideways on one shoulder. He fixed two steel-blue, Pendragon eyes on Merlin.**

**"Again."**

**Merlin sighed the long-suffering sigh of the prat-laden servant, and began again...**

Once upon a time, there was a prince named Arthur who lived in a big castle in the land of Camelot. He was very blonde and very strong and very pratly...

**"Pratly isn't a word."**

**"It is so."**

**"No, it's not."**

**"Is."**

**"Isn't."**

**"Is."**

**"ISN'T."**

**Merlin huffed in exasperation. "Are you going to let me tell the story or are you going to argue grammar with me all night long?"**

**Arthur yawned. "Story."**

Once there was a prince named Arthur who lived in a big castle in the land of Camelot. He was very blonde and very strong and very, very awesome in his princeliness.

One day while bathing luxuriously in his princely, absolutely sparkling-clean quarters...

**"You call this sparkling clean?"**

**"Hmpf. Not for lack of trying by his worn-out servant, that's for sure...Now. Are you going to stop commenting or am I going to have to quit like I have the last three nights?"**

**"All right, all right, I'll be quiet."**

ANYWAY, bathing in his sparkly, clean quarters, he saw a vision of handsomeness in the form of a dark and mysterious warlock named Merlin.

**"Oh come ON, Merlin!"**

**"If you get to be awesome in your princeliness, I get to be handsome. And mysterious!"**

**Arthur sat up, studied Merlin critically, then flopped back down.**

**"Fine."**

"Oh! What are you doing in my royal chambers, oh warlock of handsomeness?" queried Prince Arthur.

**"My voice is NOT that high."**

**Merlin gritted his teeth and glared at Arthur.**

"I have come seeking your aid in a most terrible matter. Our kingdom is besieged by an evil knight with a horrible red nose and jingles on his helmet. Our children are terrified to go out in the daylight, and our adults are desperate to rid the town of him. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, oh princely, pratly Arthur; you're my only hope!"

"Of course I will aid you, oh warlock of ultimate Merlinness. But I need help as well. Could you polish my armor and clean my boots and shine my floor and wax my horses and cut my hair and feed me and go on all fours and..."

**"I have never told you to wax my horses."**

"...and save my princely hide every time I conveniently get a concussion so that you can do secret magic that I can pretend to know nothing about?"

"All right. As long as I get to cheat and do all those chores with spells."

**"Psh!"**

So the agreement was made. The very wonderful and blonde Prince rode out on his purebred horse that kicked all manservants in the stomach into the dangerous and dark forest, where he hunted off some poor unicorns, and into the mountains, where he stabbed poor, defenseless mountain goats, and onto the plains, where he proceeded to shoot everything that moved...

**"So I can be wonderful and blonde but apparently I kill everything I see?"**

**Merlin smirked. "Don't you?"**

**"The unicorn thing, I'll accept, but I like hunting. It's fun!"**

**Merlin snorted. "Can I go on now?"**

**Arthur nodded.**

Soon he arrived at the kingdom of Ealdor where the terrible and horrible knight with the red nose reigned. The amazingly royal Arthur whipped out his shiny, pointy sword, still coated in the blood of defenseless creatures...

**"Oi!"**

...And promptly coated it in the blood of the terrifying knight. Then he ordered the handsome and dashing Merlin to clean the sword and wash his socks and polish his boots and save his sorry...

**"Whose ass is going to be sorrier here if you finish that sentence?"**

...ass. And everyone was happy. And Prince Arthur of Camelot rode home on his servant-kicking horse and ate lots of meat and had clean socks forever and ever because apparently the handsome warlock Merlin decided it would be a good idea to work for him because SOMEONE had to save him from every magical thing that was out to get him. The End.

**"That's it?"**

**"I did say The End, didn't I?"**

**"Ok."**

**"Did you like the story?"**

**Arthur yawned. "It needs more heroics from the handsome prince. More..." and Arthur waved his arms in the air in a lazy, half-awake, one-sided mock swordfight.**

**Merlin raised his eyebrows. "I am NOT doing that for you."**

**"I could do it. If you asked. Next time..." and Arthur rolled over on his pillows, preparing to go to sleep. "Get the light when you go, eh?"**

**"Yes, sire. Anything else?"**

**"Mm-mm."**

**"All right. Night, Arthur."**

And Merlin left Arthur's chambers for the night, smiling because he had sort of enjoyed telling Arthur a story.

Not that he'd admit to it, of course.


	2. Storytime with Merlin Without Help

Once there was a prince named Arthur who lived in a big castle in the land of Camelot. He was very blonde and very strong and very, very awesome in his princeliness.

One day while bathing luxuriously in his princely, absolutely sparkling-clean quarters, he saw a vision of handsomeness in the form of a dark and mysterious warlock named Merlin.

"Oh! What are you doing in my royal chambers, oh warlock of handsomeness?" queried Prince Arthur.

"I have come seeking your aid in a most terrible matter. Our kingdom is besieged by an evil knight with a horrible red nose and jingles on his helmet. Our children are terrified to go out in the daylight, and our adults are desperate to rid the town of him. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, oh princely, pratly Arthur; you're my only hope!"

"Of course I will aid you, oh warlock of ultimate Merlinness. But I need help as well. Could you polish my armor and clean my boots and shine my floor and wax my horses and cut my hair and feed me and go on all fours and save my princely hide every time I conveniently get a concussion so that you can do secret magic that I can pretend to know nothing about?"

"All right. As long as I get to cheat and do all those chores with magic."

So the agreement was made. The very wonderful and blonde Prince rode out on his purebred horse (that kicked all manservants in the stomach) into the dangerous and dark forest, where he hunted off some poor unicorns, and into the mountains, where he stabbed poor, defenseless mountain goats, and onto the plains, where he proceeded to shoot everything that moved.

Soon he arrived at the kingdom of Ealdor where the terrible and horrible knight with the red nose reigned. The amazingly royal Arthur whipped out his shiny, pointy sword, still coated in the blood of defenseless creatures, and promptly coated it in the blood of the terrifying knight. Then he ordered the handsome and dashing Merlin to clean the sword and wash his socks and polish his boots and save his sorry ass. And everyone was happy. And Prince Arthur of Camelot rode home on his servant-kicking horse and ate lots of meat and had clean socks forever and ever because apparently the handsome warlock Merlin decided it would be a good idea to work for him because SOMEONE had to save him from every magical thing that was out to get him. The End.


	3. Storytime with Arthur With Help

Once upon a time...

**"You said it was my turn."**

**"Did not."**

**"Did so."**

**"No."**

**"Yes."**

**"You tell horrible stories. They always end with high amounts of blood being spilled..."**

**"Those are the best kind!"**

**"Arthur..."**

**"Who's the prince here, anyway? I say it's my turn, so it's my turn."**

**Merlin conceded with a shake of his head.**

**"Keep the blood splatter down, okay? I want to be able to sleep tonight."**

**Arthur snorted under his breath.**

**Merlin sighed. "Get to the damn story, Arthur."**

Once there was a cave with a giant...baby rat inside.

**"Arth..."**

Named Fluffy. He had big teeth and big paws and ate sorcerers for breakfast.

**"Sire..."**

SO one day, a highly cheekboned absolute GIRL named Merlin came sauntering by, not paying attention to the surrounding area or to where he was going.

**"I thought you said you LIKED my cheekbones."**

**Arthur went a little red, then coughed in a fake sort of way.**

Anyway, this warlock named Merlin decided that right in front of where the cave was would be a lovely place to have lunch. So he hauled out the sausages he'd stolen from someone else and started smacking his lips in utter enjoyment. Fluffy heard this infernal noise and came running out...

**"Is this whole story built to insult me?"**

**"Shut up, Merlin. I'm getting to the good part now."**

**"You're going to show up, aren't you?"**

**"Quiet."**

Little did Merlin know that a handsome and wonderful prince had been watching the whole scene the whole time, waiting for the chance to kill Fluffy and rescue the idiot who'd decided to eat sausages right in front of a giant baby rat. So Arthur the Amazing...

**"No. Just. No."**

**"How about Magnificent?"**

**Merlin looked at him sideways.**

**"Really? You're not arrogant enough without the extra adjectives tacked on?"**

**"Other people have done it. Orlic the Mighty. Gunder the Great. Hastort the Huge..."**

**"All right, I get the point."**

So, onwards. Arthur the Awesomely Amazing...

**"Oh, gods..."**

...went into battle with the giant baby rat and there was much blood splatter everywhere because Arthur was so princely and so wonderful...

**"Hmpf!"**

And so the giant baby rat died and the sorcerer was saved and he was forever grateful to Arthur and he got on his knees and...

**"Didn't I do anything during all of this?"**

**Arthur frowned. "Oh, yes. You blew off some spell that blinded the thing and pissed it off so that I got thrown into a cave wall and knocked out. And then..."**

**"Yes?"**

**There was a silence.**

**"YES?"**

**"."**

**"What was that, again?"**

**Arthur made a small, pained noise as his toes were squashed through the blankets.**

**"You killed the giant baby rat. With a spell. While I was knocked out."**

**Merlin sat back, satisfied.**

**"Damn right I did."**

**"If you hadn't sat RIGHT DOWN in front of the CAVE with the beast IN THERE, SMELLING..."**

**"If you hadn't been sitting in the woods calling to the stupid thing..."**

**"Was not! I was tracking."**

**Merlin shook his head and hopped off the bed.**

**"I assume your story is done, since I saved the prince again?"**

**"I do manage to save myself once in a while. Without you."**

**"Not that your pride can handle all the times I did rescue you."**

**"It hasn't been that many."**

**Merlin smiled.**

**"You really have no idea, do you?"**

**Arthur smiled weakly.**

**"I'm about to hear it all, aren't I?"**

**"Oh, yes," said Merlin, sitting back down in Arthur's big fur-covered chair. "You are."**


End file.
